B.r
Thank You Jesus for everything, I praise Your glorious name, please don't take this the wrong way I'm very thankful for my family and the mercy You show us because we are unworthy. I am so tired and beaten down, burdened, bored and depressed. I don't even know if You care but I'm not even mad if You don't because I wouldn't care about me either. I'm trying not to play the victim here but what a terrible terrible and depressed existence I have endured. As You know Lord I come from a toxic and not so great childhood, but big deal who hasn't. I used to look at those magazines from the old days that would show moms with their little Christmas sweaters on, holding their little plates of Christmas rolls, in their nice kitchens and just wish, that even though my family was abusive, that I would have that in the future. By the grace of God I've tried so hard to get to that by sacrificing so much and so many people and pasts, and it pretty much came to naught and now I'm 51, with grown kids and a husband who wants nothing to do with me, in a city where there's nothing to do and with a bank account that begs to differ, even if I wanted to do something I couldn't, and I have bills and daily/hourly worries, and my husband Uber drives just for us to have money for food and gas everyday. The things I buy get destroyed easily, and nothing that I purchase really lasts at all, it's almost a curse. I feel constantly attacked by the enemy, I feel like there's burdens of generational things that I carry and I dont want to anymore, I ask God to remove burdens but He wont, Lord remove our burdens please, help my family, and I ask God to stop all the attacks coming against my family and I but they keep coming. God is in control and on the Throne. But I don't blame Him because if I was God I wouldn't help me either. Since January five to 6 of my immediate family members have had cancer scares, and I praise God that they were just scares, but the road has been very physically and emotionally exhausting and overwhelming to me, and them, and I don't know how much more I can take, I don't think I understood that if I wanted to be Christian I would have to just not enjoy my life at all and just suffer, I don't think I quite understood that assignment. But I remember reading that God sends rain on the good and the bad, brings blessings to the good and the bad, so I stand a chance somewhere. I'm tired and I'm jealous and I'm bored, I'm so bored that I gained about 40 lb since moving here and I wonder why my husband doesn't really want to take me out, I wouldn't want to take me out either. I'm sick of being scared and worried and afraid and attacked, I'm sick of begging for God's mercy and I'm sick of not knowing if He loves me, as an individual not as a people, I'm sick of asking for a deliverance and not getting any, God knows about what, I'm sick of people's curses making it instead of God breaking it, I want God to look after us even when I don't know what to ask for, He sees everything and all words go through Him, I want my youngest daughter's skin issues to resolve this very second and for good, in Jesus Name, I want God to protect all of our going out and coming in, and our health and safety, I don't want to have to worry all the time because something's happening, I don't want to have to live dollar to dollar, and worry about how I'm going to fund my oldest daughter's wedding, what to pay and what not to pay, and I don't want to have to worry about her health either, I just want us all to be healthy and for God to protect us, and block every attack without me asking because He loves His children, that's all, I don't want any attacks or fear-mongering or lies of the enemy coming against us anymore, I want God to favor us, in Jesus Name we are all favored, I don't want something to come up that ends up being fine in the end , praise God, but I just don't want anything to even come up in the first place anymore, because I've been doing it for 6 months straight, I'm tired, I'm run down, Im angry, God forgive me, I want to quit, I don't want to do this God, where are You please, I don't want to jump from one scare to the next anymore, I just want it all to stop, and there's only one person capable of stopping it, and His name is Jesus, so I call on Your name Jesus, if You truly have mercy on even the bad, then please hear me, God I need so much, help us please, it's like a list, and I don't want to say it because You already know it, more than I do, I just want the Holy Spirit to ask for help on me and my family's behalf (including CS, BW, SJR, ACR and the Ogden drive differing family members of mine including Pan. And Park. Families) Lord, You know already, You know details that I don't even know, about what I'm needing, I don't have clothes for work and I don't know where next week's foods coming from, and I don't know where my marriage is going, but it's not going good, and I don't want to waste my life sitting here doing nothing on the couch, and I know he doesn't either so please God intercede for: our marriage, our joy, our health, our kids, our family, our kids relationships and significant others, all of our finances, our cars, our emotions, our fulfillment, our peace, our happiness, our world, our future in laws and grandkids, our jobs, our traveling, our healing, our extended families, our TIME, our years, God willing, our lives, everything oh Lord, I call on Your Name, move in us, please God, deliver us, fix our family structure, c'mon oh Lord, have mercy on us, have grace for us, protect us and heal us, grant us travel mercies and give us the means to travel almost daily together, to enjoy life together, may each of our lives be long, sound, sane, happy, prosperous, saved, whole, etc oh God be willing, oh Lord please intercede quickly, in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.
